Saturday, August 25, 2007

Fantasy Football and Single Motherhood

So, I'm not really comparing the difficulties of single motherhood with what it feels like to be a wife of a chronically addicted fantasy football player. And by "player," I mean not an actually athletic person, but rather a couch potato, head in a laptop, clicker in hand type of "player" that is my husband.

I love football, I really do! I watch the Red Raiders and their high flying offense every fall Saturday with my chronically nervous and pitty husband. I also enjoy a great Sunday afternoon football game. Notice that I did say "a" football game...not every single one of them.

What's my problem with Fantasy Football? Let me count the ways:

1. First of all there is "draft weekend" which is really code for "let's ditch our wives/girlfriends and spend the weekend together (usually held in Vegas or New Orleans) drinking, playing poker, and drafting our teams." AS IF it would be remotely acceptable for me and the rest of the Fantasy Football widows to leave the kids with the husband for the weekend while we, I don't know, go to a destination spa, skiing, or the beach sans the baggage family.

2. There is the inevitable end of season comment that goes something like, "GOD! I hate this *&$#%^& game! Why do I do this to myself? @$^%*&^@( !!! Please, Amanda, please, don't let me play again next year!" Today, it's more like, "What? ME? I didn't say that? Of course I'm playing again this year!" Incidentally, he is always defeated the same way--his team is usually one of the highest scoring, but during the end of the NFL season, teams in Superbowl contention usually rest their best players....these are the players that Zak has on his fantasy team. When they don't play or get rested, Zak doesn't win. Duh! It happens every year.

3. The endless days upon days of watching football. NOT JUST Sunday's mind you! There is also Monday night football, and the occasional Thursday and Saturday game, and don't forget Thanksgiving and Christmas games. Oh, yeah, there's college football on Saturday. NOT TO MENTION, although I will, are the mindless football shows on the sports channels that can literally be hours before and a re-cap for hours after the entire DAY of football watching. Have I blogged about this before, or is it just me?

4. The computer. In the olden days...say, 1995, Zak would actually use a paper and pencil with a newspaper (and do some actual math) to determine his players and scores for the weekend. NOT NOW, my friends! There are tons and tons of Fantasy Football sites out there that actually give you real time scoring, trading, and the fun addition of a shit talking blog-like sections for them to write articles. Sometimes, the articles they write are crafty and witty, like "You suck, dude." Sometimes they add pictures....I won't elaborate on this one because my grandfather reads this blog. Zak's complete focus used to be on the TV screen, but it's now divided between the TV and his beautiful girls and HOT wife, AND the damn laptop perched upon the couch right next to him.

5. THE NFL TICKET. Do you know what that is? It is DirectTV's diabolical programming. For a mere $300, you can watch EVERYSINGLEGAME! When there are 3-6 games on at the same time, you can flip back and forth between the games during commercials or just whenever your offense or the opponents offense is on the field. Guess what we DON'T have this year? The NFL Ticket. "Oh, Maaannnn!" as Maddie would say.

6. Deadbeat players. You know who you are! DAVID BXXXXN!! These are sad little players with crappy teams that don't get into the playoffs, and owe money to the winners at the end of the season. These deadbeat and jealous players don't pay at the end of the year like they are supposed to, but the money comes in months and months later. The Superbowl winner could earn as much as a grand, and second place earns several hundred dollars! This year, I'm going after the interest from you suckas...10% or I'm going after your kneecaps.

I did offer the "commissioner" (oh, yes, you read that correctly! Dorks.) the brilliant suggestion of collecting trade money as it happens, via the deadbeats players credit cards. Every time they make a trade, they're charged $5. This money should be deducted from the players credit cards via the website, or put into the hands of a responsible party (like, um, I dunno, me?) who will then divvy the money up to the winner. AT THE END OF THE SEASON, not next summer!

7. Two timing. Zak sometimes plays in two leagues; a "work" league and a "Texas" league. Yes, that is correct, he's cheating on his friends. There is no work league this year since Zak works with mostly females in his new job, thank God. It's the Texas league that one should be worried about.

Zak is almost always in the "playoffs" and has been to the Superbowl FOUR times in his illustrious Fantasy career. I recall a cold and snowy December evening in 2004, WHEN I WAS HAVING A BABY, that his line-up was due. He needed to "check the injury report" and the "playoff picture" before deciding who to bench and who to play.

"AAGGHHHG!!" Oh, sorry, excuse me, that was just a contraction. Pardon the interruption while I give birth to your first daughter.

He actually lost that Superbowl, and the one before that, and the two since then. At least he does earn some money, I guess.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Good luck with your draft, babe. Let's go on a tropical vacation after you win it all this year.

To quote Madison, "pick some good guys, dad."


Zak said...

Most of what you say here is true...slightly exaggerated...but still mostly true. For the record, I did set my playoff lineup from the hospital, but it was the day AFTER Maddie was born and sleeping safely in her mother's arms. The 04' SuperBowl loss was Maddie's first savings deposit, so I'm sure she'll thank me for it later. This year is going to be the year!

schuss3 said...

We're laughing out loud:)
-Jack and Michelle

francie said...

Oh sista..... I don't even know where to start with this. You pretty much covered it all. I can personally relate to pretty much everything you said. Fantasy Football has RUINED fotball and the NFL for me. More recently, I have not been able to stop thinking about all of this Michael Vick crap. The NFL should NOT ALLOW FELONS to play in this league. I don't give a rat's ass if they are suspended for a year.I am completely appauled with this whole situation. I have little to no respect for the damn NFL. Lupe, Foxy Lady and Baby Brucy are going to sit outside of the court room with protest signs taped to their front paws. Back to fantasy-I think we most definately should hold a "support group" for all interested fantasy wives preferably at the spa or perhaps in mexico. we DESERVE it. It is also real cool when the boys stoop to the level of "shit talking" to including people's wives. AWESOME David won money the first several years of playing-including a few superbowls. This allowed us to go skiing a few times. Since then.....he is pretty much "special" with his team. Which is just annoying. I agree that the whole league should take your advice so people actually do get paid. Now, even if you do win-you can't go on vacation because you can't collect "the pot".-crappy and typical of this group of lovely gentleman. Fantasy Football just whips my ass. No more fun couple time on Sundays or as you stated mondays or pretty much any other day football is on. i think i should try to have our first child on a sunday in december...just to do it... HA HA HA David would love it. I quess I have some pent-up anxiety and agression when I hear the words Fantasy Football. Wow-i never realized how great it feels to get this all of my chest. I did forget to say GO DAVID!!!!! You better win since i put up with all of this crap!!!!!YOUR BLOG ROCKS!!!

Anonymous said...

Suck it up ladies! Francie, how dare you stab me in the back like this! You are worst than the Dixie Chicks in a foreign country.